Constant Craving

Carbohydrates are made of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.
The main carbohydrates are sugar, starches, and cellulose.

Sugar

Sugars are sweet carbohydrates: monosaccharides or disaccharides. In the same way that drug addicts experience withdrawal symptoms when they quit using, sugar addicts can also experience withdrawal from their drug.

My heart is skippy in my chest; my lungs are fluttering.  The rush of him pounds in my blood.  You wouldn’t think you could feel your own pupils dilate, but I am here to tell you – you can. My iris disappears in his presence and my brain empties of everything but one thought – how can I get some more?

Other women leave things behind. Knickers. Jewellery. Once, inexplicably, a shoe. It’s so they have a link back to him. So they can call up and say ‘oh, did I leave my bracelet there? How silly of me. Can we meet up so I can get it back?’

It is silly of them. They never get them back.

I have left things there of course, in my own fashion. Warmth in the bed; a smile; a sea salty smell in the air. Nothing tangible. Nothing you could keep. And food. I’ve left food. An Easter egg, a can of Lucozade. That cheap bottle of rosé we bought in the corner shop but were too distracted to drink. Votive offerings to a god of all that is sweet and easy. But never anything that might last. There’s never a reason to return.

That’s what I tell myself. There’s no reason to return.

I usually manage a week or so. I can handle the craving but only for so long. It’s getting worse. I need the hit of him on my tongue. The way he fizzes straight up to my brain and calms everything down. He is sweet, so sweet. So good. I get sick now if it’s more than a few days. My skin crawls. I can’t focus. Have to get back. Get more.

My only consolation – I know he needs the comfort too.
Carbohydrates are made of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen. The main carbohydrates are sugar, starches, and cellulose.

Starches

Starchy carbohydrates are a mixture of two polysaccharides. They are the body’s main source of energy.

Pastry. Pasta. Pizza. Pies. When we eat together, that’s what we eat. Comfort food. The full range of burger patties from gourmet Mexican monsters stuffed with guacamole and jalepenos to those two slightly cool post-coital Macdonalds cheeseburgers. They were almost cold but we ate them anyway.

That’s us. Doing it anyway.

They were delicious.

I laughed when he said he knew how to treat a woman. We were in Pizza Express. Pizza Express is where you take people to break up with them, I told him. He looked at me and smiled his big bad wolf smile. We can’t break up, he said.  We’re not together.

That big bad wolf smile.

All the better to eat me with.

I need a quick hit often. He can last longer, because he takes more and he takes more deeply. Takes his time and eats his fill. It satisfies him. And I want him to be satisfied. How I want him to be happy. I want to be a comfort to him. A safe place.

Carbohydrates are made of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen. The main carbohydrates are sugar, starches, and cellulose.

Cellulose

Cellulose is a linear polysaccharide polymer. Fruit and vegetables are vital for a healthy diet.

He‘s never given me anything, but I have taken something. I almost fainted one morning, getting up from the bed too quickly. I had to leave but I felt light-headed and dizzy. We hadn’t eaten anything but each other in twenty four hours. There was an apple on the table, small and green and perfect.

He was fast asleep.

I had to eat. I dropped the apple into my bag and waited until I was outside to sink my teeth into it.

I ate every piece of it. The skin. The core. The stalk. The pips.

You can’t grow an apple from pips. They’re sterile.

They’ll never become anything.

(c) Em Fleming

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s